Emotional abuse is often more challenging to detect and identify than other types of abuse. There are no obvious marks on the body or physical wounds, yet the scars of emotional abuse run deep and are very damaging. Emotional abuse can manifest in different ways. Insults, criticism, controlling behaviors -- such as restricting your access to schooling, work, friends, family, or expecting you to "report" on your daily activities, can be emotional abuse. Demanding or withholding sex, or implying non-physical threats can also be emotionally abusive behavior. The result of the abuse is that the victim often feels worthless, incapable, and may even question his or her sanity. It isn't easy to reprogram the belief that you deserve that has been done to you - but it is possible. Here are 3 strategies for neutralizing the effects of verbal abuse:
1. Take very good care of yourself. Eat right, avoiding processed and sugary foods and sticking primarily with lean proteins, fresh fruit fruits and vegetables, and whole grains. Take vitamins and supplements if necessary. Most people can benefit from a food based multivitamin and fish oil, and your natural health care practitioner can recommend others particular to your health needs. Exercise regularly after checking with your doctor to determine the appropriate level of activity for you. Cardiovascular exercise is ideal for the purpose of elevating your mood and increasing positive body image. By doing all of these things, you are sending the message to yourself that you are worthy to be cared for.
2. Talk things out and spend time with those who love and support you. Friends and family are good for emotional support. Keep in mind, you need to reprogram the false messages your abuser delivered about you. The more you can saturate yourself in the truth, the easier it will be to believe it. Work through your emotions with a counselor, and work with a coach to inspire and encourage you to move forward making healthy choices.
3. Avoid contact with your emotional abuser whenever feasible. Ideally, you will sever all contact to facilitate your healing. If you absolutely must interact, like if you share children, stick closely to the topic of business you must discuss, and immediately disengage if the conversation turns personal or critical. Avoid defending yourself in any way and get off the phone or leave. Immediately call a friend or support person, or do something positive and affirming for yourself and your health.
By the way, what is holding you back from making the best choices to achieve the life you deserve?
For a free copy of my ebook, "Strategies For Escaping Emotional Abuse", click here: http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com/gifts-strategiesforescapingemotionalabuse.html
Shannon Cook is a personal coach and resource guide who has written a number of informative articles and ebooks on the topic of toxic relationships and "difficult" divorces, including the physical, emotional, practical and relationship components.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shannon_E_Cook
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Controlling Behavior - The 4 Ways an Abuser Controls His or Her Victim
Abuse is fundamentally about control. Violence may be a manifestation of relationship abuse, but domestic abuse is really about control. And the perpetrator can't bear to be out of control. When perpetrators feel they are losing control, their means to exercise control escalates.
What are the primary ways an abuser controls his/her victim:
1) Always being right
The abuser truly believes in one perspective: his/her own. They are always right, therefore making you wrong when there is a difference between your perspective and theirs. They hold their power in having the final say...having their way.
2) Sense of entitlement
The abuser lives from an egocentric perspective. He/she doesn't see you for who you are, only for how you fulfill his/her wishes. They see the world through one set of eyes: their own. And they believe those around them exist merely to support their vision.
3) Manipulates to leverage
The abuser is highly manipulative. He/She utilizes a punishment reward system of withholding what supports you as your punishment (negative reinforcement) and promises of what supports you as your reward (positive reinforcement).
4) Batterers to make a point and get their way
The abuser uses direct battering (verbal, emotional, mental, psychological, physical or sexual) to establish and maintain unequal power in the relationship.
If you are in a relationship with an intimate partner, a friend, co-worker, sibling or a parent that evidences these four ways to exert control, you are dealing with an abuser. The sooner you see this as outside of yourself, rather than as a part of you, the easier it is to disengage from his/her control. And when you do, you'll open yourself to finding and being yourself, exerting your own control as it serves your higher interest and well-being.
If you want to understand the dynamics of controlling relationships, I invite you to check out Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identifying Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from abusive relationships. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Jeanne_King,_Ph.D.
What are the primary ways an abuser controls his/her victim:
1) Always being right
The abuser truly believes in one perspective: his/her own. They are always right, therefore making you wrong when there is a difference between your perspective and theirs. They hold their power in having the final say...having their way.
2) Sense of entitlement
The abuser lives from an egocentric perspective. He/she doesn't see you for who you are, only for how you fulfill his/her wishes. They see the world through one set of eyes: their own. And they believe those around them exist merely to support their vision.
3) Manipulates to leverage
The abuser is highly manipulative. He/She utilizes a punishment reward system of withholding what supports you as your punishment (negative reinforcement) and promises of what supports you as your reward (positive reinforcement).
4) Batterers to make a point and get their way
The abuser uses direct battering (verbal, emotional, mental, psychological, physical or sexual) to establish and maintain unequal power in the relationship.
If you are in a relationship with an intimate partner, a friend, co-worker, sibling or a parent that evidences these four ways to exert control, you are dealing with an abuser. The sooner you see this as outside of yourself, rather than as a part of you, the easier it is to disengage from his/her control. And when you do, you'll open yourself to finding and being yourself, exerting your own control as it serves your higher interest and well-being.
If you want to understand the dynamics of controlling relationships, I invite you to check out Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identifying Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from abusive relationships. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Jeanne_King,_Ph.D.
How Rihanna Can Be a Positive Role Model For Teenagers
Children today are caught in the crosshairs of modern media. Technology has become their babysitter -reality TV, nude photos on the Internet, bizarre videos on YouTube, seductive text messages. It's time for these young people to be exposed instead to role models who have the potential to inspire them to do the right thing. But instead of symbols of stability, they're finding other adolescents living through their own crises.
On the day of the Grammys, R&B singer Chris Brown allegedly beat up his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna, after an altercation over text messages that Brown received from another woman. Pundits, bloggers and reporters are weighing in. Some support Rihanna and are intent on not blaming the victim. Others want her to face the situation head-on and take a strong stand.
Rihanna is young, talented, and at the top of the musical charts. She's also a potential example for our youth. But first she has to heal herself. Oprah Winfrey suggested that Rihanna give it some time and get counseling. What follows are ideas that she could take to heart for herself - and as a spokeswoman for all of the young women and men who look up to her.
1. Take a step back and take care of yourself. You deserve some time alone. And the chance to be safe, both physically and emotionally. This will help you see the details of your situation from a different angle. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance as you recognize your basic character strengths. Focus on what's important, as you try to integrate core values and personal ideals into how you want to live your life.
2. Explore your negative emotions. When trust is broken, if you or your partner have made bad decisions, there can be a buildup of frustration, anger or disappointment, even despair as you make efforts to adapt to the new reality. It may become apparent how much you've changed and how far apart the two of you have grown. And you'll see what steps to take next, for your own good.
3. Get the help you need now. Find an individual therapist or life coach who will guide your healing as you decide how to move forward. It's important to develop positive self-regard, confidence and the life skills for this. The therapy should focus on areas such as cognitive behavioral change, communication, anger management, stress reduction and control strategies. Stay in treatment as long as you need in order to figure out what to do.
4. Recognize the value of support from others. Talking to friends and family can clarify your needs as you work through your feelings. Listening to a second or third objective opinion will provide you with further insight, direction and encouragement.
5. Find perspective in order to grow. Whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, adjusting to changes in your identity or making a slow transition into the next chapter of your life, expect a cascade of feelings - anxiety, the desire to hold on, resentment, sadness, fear, eventually a sense of freedom. The emotional roller coaster ride is normal. If you have the fortitude to step back, take a deep breath and face the situation squarely, you can't help but grow from the challenges.
6. Search for deeper meaning in your life. As you redefine your self, it can lead to your gradually feeling more powerful. By accepting the person you are becoming, you will be able to go from being afraid of being alone to feeling excited about what's ahead in your future.
Rihanna's situation has been tried in the court of public opinion. And it doesn't seem as if anyone is in favor of her taking Chris back. It must be hard for her to be a public face in private pain. But she is dealing with a reality that all teenagers need to be informed about - that physical and emotional abuse are dangerous. Rihanna has the platform to demonstrate the benefits of making smart choices. And she can act in her own best interests, for herself and all the young fans who admire her and continue to watch her every move.
© 2009, Her Mentor Center
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D is the founder of http://HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, a blog for the Sandwich Generation. She publishes a free monthly newsletter and is the author of a forthcoming book about family relationships. As a psychotherapist, she has over 25 years of private practice experience.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Phyllis_Goldberg,_Ph.D.
On the day of the Grammys, R&B singer Chris Brown allegedly beat up his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna, after an altercation over text messages that Brown received from another woman. Pundits, bloggers and reporters are weighing in. Some support Rihanna and are intent on not blaming the victim. Others want her to face the situation head-on and take a strong stand.
Rihanna is young, talented, and at the top of the musical charts. She's also a potential example for our youth. But first she has to heal herself. Oprah Winfrey suggested that Rihanna give it some time and get counseling. What follows are ideas that she could take to heart for herself - and as a spokeswoman for all of the young women and men who look up to her.
1. Take a step back and take care of yourself. You deserve some time alone. And the chance to be safe, both physically and emotionally. This will help you see the details of your situation from a different angle. Listening to your inner voice can provide comfort and reassurance as you recognize your basic character strengths. Focus on what's important, as you try to integrate core values and personal ideals into how you want to live your life.
2. Explore your negative emotions. When trust is broken, if you or your partner have made bad decisions, there can be a buildup of frustration, anger or disappointment, even despair as you make efforts to adapt to the new reality. It may become apparent how much you've changed and how far apart the two of you have grown. And you'll see what steps to take next, for your own good.
3. Get the help you need now. Find an individual therapist or life coach who will guide your healing as you decide how to move forward. It's important to develop positive self-regard, confidence and the life skills for this. The therapy should focus on areas such as cognitive behavioral change, communication, anger management, stress reduction and control strategies. Stay in treatment as long as you need in order to figure out what to do.
4. Recognize the value of support from others. Talking to friends and family can clarify your needs as you work through your feelings. Listening to a second or third objective opinion will provide you with further insight, direction and encouragement.
5. Find perspective in order to grow. Whether you're hit in the face with a crisis, adjusting to changes in your identity or making a slow transition into the next chapter of your life, expect a cascade of feelings - anxiety, the desire to hold on, resentment, sadness, fear, eventually a sense of freedom. The emotional roller coaster ride is normal. If you have the fortitude to step back, take a deep breath and face the situation squarely, you can't help but grow from the challenges.
6. Search for deeper meaning in your life. As you redefine your self, it can lead to your gradually feeling more powerful. By accepting the person you are becoming, you will be able to go from being afraid of being alone to feeling excited about what's ahead in your future.
Rihanna's situation has been tried in the court of public opinion. And it doesn't seem as if anyone is in favor of her taking Chris back. It must be hard for her to be a public face in private pain. But she is dealing with a reality that all teenagers need to be informed about - that physical and emotional abuse are dangerous. Rihanna has the platform to demonstrate the benefits of making smart choices. And she can act in her own best interests, for herself and all the young fans who admire her and continue to watch her every move.
© 2009, Her Mentor Center
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D is the founder of http://HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, a blog for the Sandwich Generation. She publishes a free monthly newsletter and is the author of a forthcoming book about family relationships. As a psychotherapist, she has over 25 years of private practice experience.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Phyllis_Goldberg,_Ph.D.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Ability to Be Alone is Key to Having a Good Relationship
Are you staying in a bad relationship because you're afraid of being alone? If the prospect of being alone scares you more than the unhealthy relationship you're in, learn why the ability to be alone is actually the key ingredient to having a good relationship and a good life.
1. Nothing is lonelier than being in an unloving relationship.
It is one thing to get lonely when you are by yourself. You look around and no one is there.
It is another thing to lie next to your partner in bed and feel all alone. Nothing is lonelier than that.
2. To know what makes you feel good, you must spend time alone.
There is only one way to know who you are really are - you must spend time alone.
Alone time allows us to quiet all those other voices in our head other than our own. For the first time we are then able to hear our own voice.
So much of the time we are busy trying to figure out how to make the other person like us; we need time alone to figure out how we can like ourselves.
3. Things come out when you are alone - that is good.
Being alone, eventually the mind begins to quiet down and things that were in darkness begin to come to the light.
Our frame of reference narrows; we become Self-referring, i.e., we look inside for the answers, rather than outside, to others.
4. Everyone feels lonely sometimes - this is natural and normal.
Loneliness is part of the human condition. It is the existential slice of life that can never be changed; you will always feel lonely at times.
Being lonely is different than being alone. Being alone is a choice that we make because we enjoy our own company.
5. If you can be alone, you have inner strength.
You also have self-esteem and self respect.
If you like what you've read, preview and purchase Chandra's books and Cds: http://coachgirl.com/coachgirl/books.html
Chosen by Oprah Magazine as the Life Coach to deliver twelve coaching sessions to the grand prize winner to their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest, Chandra Alexander, MSW, has been living and teaching authenticity for the last thirty years in the areas of relationships, work and consciousness. She also spent five years on NBC/TV/Daytime giving a weekly "Reality Check". Along with a private practice in Tampa, FL, she coaches clients all over the world in the areas of relationships, work and consciousness
For more information, visit Chandra's homepage Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chandra_Alexander
1. Nothing is lonelier than being in an unloving relationship.
It is one thing to get lonely when you are by yourself. You look around and no one is there.
It is another thing to lie next to your partner in bed and feel all alone. Nothing is lonelier than that.
2. To know what makes you feel good, you must spend time alone.
There is only one way to know who you are really are - you must spend time alone.
Alone time allows us to quiet all those other voices in our head other than our own. For the first time we are then able to hear our own voice.
So much of the time we are busy trying to figure out how to make the other person like us; we need time alone to figure out how we can like ourselves.
3. Things come out when you are alone - that is good.
Being alone, eventually the mind begins to quiet down and things that were in darkness begin to come to the light.
Our frame of reference narrows; we become Self-referring, i.e., we look inside for the answers, rather than outside, to others.
4. Everyone feels lonely sometimes - this is natural and normal.
Loneliness is part of the human condition. It is the existential slice of life that can never be changed; you will always feel lonely at times.
Being lonely is different than being alone. Being alone is a choice that we make because we enjoy our own company.
5. If you can be alone, you have inner strength.
You also have self-esteem and self respect.
If you like what you've read, preview and purchase Chandra's books and Cds: http://coachgirl.com/coachgirl/books.html
Chosen by Oprah Magazine as the Life Coach to deliver twelve coaching sessions to the grand prize winner to their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest, Chandra Alexander, MSW, has been living and teaching authenticity for the last thirty years in the areas of relationships, work and consciousness. She also spent five years on NBC/TV/Daytime giving a weekly "Reality Check". Along with a private practice in Tampa, FL, she coaches clients all over the world in the areas of relationships, work and consciousness
For more information, visit Chandra's homepage Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chandra_Alexander
How Can You Love Someone and Let Them Go?
Have you ever been in love with a man who didn't treat you well? Have you ever stayed just a minute too long in a relationship you had hoped would change ... and you're still waiting? Have you ever compromised your safety or feelings just to be accepted by a man? Are you still waiting on him to stop drinking ... to stop yelling ... abusing ... cheating ... lying ... hurting you?
Isn't it ironic that your dream became your worse nightmare? The love that at one time had been irresistible is now abusive and lacking in quality. Your love story is now a drudge story filled with angst and loneliness. You're unhappy in a relationship with a man who is not the man you thought you knew.
So where do you go from here or better yet, are you able to go from here? For millions of married women the choice to move along isn't an easy choice. A lot of women have to consider their children, finances, shelter, and ultimately an entire lifestyle change. The odds are over-whelming. But I believe the odds of staying are just as daunting.
Ask yourself if the rest of your life worth living in such misery or do you have every right to be happy again. It's understandable that you love your husband or boyfriend. And that letting him go was not part of the original plan. The happy ever after love story you grew up believing in didn't come with an alternate ending.
There's no road map for you to follow that tells you what to do after a divorce. This is unknown territory and the challenge is great because you have lived your life always knowing what to do - college, work, meet soul mate, marriage, have children and start your own family and then live happily ever after.
Great story but fortunately (and yes, I said fortunately) life doesn't work that way. People think that the fifty percent of marriages that end in divorce is a bad thing. Maybe it's a wakeup call to women and men that the road map we have been following is not everyone's journey. Maybe its bad advice given by a majority of people who believe that marriage, family, and structure is the answer to security but not happiness.
But having lived that advice you know differently. You know that happily ever after for you at this time in your life is just a dream. You're stuck loving a man who doesn't love you. Do you remember the saying, "If there's a will ... you'll find a way?" Now that is some good advice. If you strongly desire to let go of your relationship and create the life of your dreams, a way will be made for you but you have to believe, feel, and act your dream into existence.
What you don't know can hurt your relationship
http://www.FeleciaTownsend.info
Felecia Townsend is a relationship enthusiast and personal coach. She has spent years learning the art of successful relationships and through her philanthropic writing is giving back to the community that has given her so much
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Felecia_Townsend
Isn't it ironic that your dream became your worse nightmare? The love that at one time had been irresistible is now abusive and lacking in quality. Your love story is now a drudge story filled with angst and loneliness. You're unhappy in a relationship with a man who is not the man you thought you knew.
So where do you go from here or better yet, are you able to go from here? For millions of married women the choice to move along isn't an easy choice. A lot of women have to consider their children, finances, shelter, and ultimately an entire lifestyle change. The odds are over-whelming. But I believe the odds of staying are just as daunting.
Ask yourself if the rest of your life worth living in such misery or do you have every right to be happy again. It's understandable that you love your husband or boyfriend. And that letting him go was not part of the original plan. The happy ever after love story you grew up believing in didn't come with an alternate ending.
There's no road map for you to follow that tells you what to do after a divorce. This is unknown territory and the challenge is great because you have lived your life always knowing what to do - college, work, meet soul mate, marriage, have children and start your own family and then live happily ever after.
Great story but fortunately (and yes, I said fortunately) life doesn't work that way. People think that the fifty percent of marriages that end in divorce is a bad thing. Maybe it's a wakeup call to women and men that the road map we have been following is not everyone's journey. Maybe its bad advice given by a majority of people who believe that marriage, family, and structure is the answer to security but not happiness.
But having lived that advice you know differently. You know that happily ever after for you at this time in your life is just a dream. You're stuck loving a man who doesn't love you. Do you remember the saying, "If there's a will ... you'll find a way?" Now that is some good advice. If you strongly desire to let go of your relationship and create the life of your dreams, a way will be made for you but you have to believe, feel, and act your dream into existence.
What you don't know can hurt your relationship
http://www.FeleciaTownsend.info
Felecia Townsend is a relationship enthusiast and personal coach. She has spent years learning the art of successful relationships and through her philanthropic writing is giving back to the community that has given her so much
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Felecia_Townsend
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
My Husband Cheated But I Still Love Him - Is This Wrong?
I never understood women who stood by their husbands after they cheated, until the same thing happened to me. Turning off your feelings like a light switch or just forgetting all of the good times is easier said than done. And, I know that I'm alone in feeling this way. I get a lot of emails from wives that say things like: "my husband cheated and I am furious with him, but I can't help it. I still love him," or "how spineless am I? My husband cheated on me, but I can't kick him out or turn my back on him. I still love him. I don't want to let this destroy my family. Am I wrong to feel this way?," or "I hate what he did, but I still love him. What's wrong with me?" I'll try to answer these questions in the following article.
Whatever You Feel Is Valid: First, I want to reassure you that no matter what you are feeling right now, it's perfectly normal and it's absolutely valid. Your feelings and reactions following finding out about the affair are going to run the gauntlet and probably will differ from day to day. One day you may be furious. The next you may be sad. Another day you may be guilty or ashamed. These fluctuating feelings, although frustrating, are absolutely natural.
You'll have to be patient with yourself as you process this. Healing doesn't not happen over night and it is isn't linear. You'll often move forward only to regress a bit later. That doesn't mean that you're delayed or not progressing. It just means that an affair is a very hard blow and is very difficult to maneuver.
Don't Worry About What Others Think: One thing that was very difficult for me to get over is the fear of what others thought of me. I made the mistake of telling most of my girlfriends about the affair. So, they were just as angry at my husband as I was. This felt good at first, but as I began to suspect that I wanted to save my marriage, I began to get comments like "just keep an eye on him so that he doesn't do it again," or "you're a better person than I am. If my husband cheated on me, I'd kick him out immediately," or "isn't cheating a deal breaker? How could you possibly even consider taking him back?"
Of course, these things made me doubt what I was feeling and had me feeling like I was constantly wrong or had no backbone whatsoever. One day, a new friend (who didn't know my husband) gave me some very good advice. She said: "Listen, the only one who has to live your life is you. The only one who should be concerned with your marriage is you and your husband. You are the only one who knows if his actions are good enough for you. And that's the only one who matters - you."
This really struck a cord with me. The truth is, my friends were only in my life for a few minutes per day, but my husband had walked the path with me for years, had raised my children with me, and knew me like no one else. These things could not be discounted just because my friends didn't see them or hadn't experienced them.
Separating The Person From The Act: I often think that people who just can not forgive the affair no matter how hard they try are those who are unable to separate the person (their husband) from the actions (the affair.) They are never able to get to the place where they can't think about their husbands and the affair simultaneously.
But, some people are able to do this - which is why forgiveness and another chance are sometimes possible. This was the case for me. It took a long time, but eventually, I was able to separate the man who had sacrificed for our family from the man who made one bad decision. Some people are never able to do this, and that's perfectly normal too. But, it's just as normal (and as healthy) to be able to separate the two.
Some Things That May Help You Feel Better About Still Loving Him: After a while, I decided that although I did still love my husband, there were things that I needed to move forward while maintaining my self respect. I needed to know that my husband was willing to do the work necessary to ensure that this would never happen to me again. I needed for him to be truly remorseful and to check in frequently. I needed for him to have no secrets from me, no matter how small. And, I needed for him to support me while I did some individual work on myself.
He was glad to do these things and his willingness indicated to me that he was trustworthy, sorry, and that the marriage that was worth fighting for.
This decision is very individual and there is no right or wrong answer. But, if you still love your husband after an affair, that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. It just means that you were able to separate the person from the act and that you've chosen your marital history over one bad decision.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Katie_Lersch
Whatever You Feel Is Valid: First, I want to reassure you that no matter what you are feeling right now, it's perfectly normal and it's absolutely valid. Your feelings and reactions following finding out about the affair are going to run the gauntlet and probably will differ from day to day. One day you may be furious. The next you may be sad. Another day you may be guilty or ashamed. These fluctuating feelings, although frustrating, are absolutely natural.
You'll have to be patient with yourself as you process this. Healing doesn't not happen over night and it is isn't linear. You'll often move forward only to regress a bit later. That doesn't mean that you're delayed or not progressing. It just means that an affair is a very hard blow and is very difficult to maneuver.
Don't Worry About What Others Think: One thing that was very difficult for me to get over is the fear of what others thought of me. I made the mistake of telling most of my girlfriends about the affair. So, they were just as angry at my husband as I was. This felt good at first, but as I began to suspect that I wanted to save my marriage, I began to get comments like "just keep an eye on him so that he doesn't do it again," or "you're a better person than I am. If my husband cheated on me, I'd kick him out immediately," or "isn't cheating a deal breaker? How could you possibly even consider taking him back?"
Of course, these things made me doubt what I was feeling and had me feeling like I was constantly wrong or had no backbone whatsoever. One day, a new friend (who didn't know my husband) gave me some very good advice. She said: "Listen, the only one who has to live your life is you. The only one who should be concerned with your marriage is you and your husband. You are the only one who knows if his actions are good enough for you. And that's the only one who matters - you."
This really struck a cord with me. The truth is, my friends were only in my life for a few minutes per day, but my husband had walked the path with me for years, had raised my children with me, and knew me like no one else. These things could not be discounted just because my friends didn't see them or hadn't experienced them.
Separating The Person From The Act: I often think that people who just can not forgive the affair no matter how hard they try are those who are unable to separate the person (their husband) from the actions (the affair.) They are never able to get to the place where they can't think about their husbands and the affair simultaneously.
But, some people are able to do this - which is why forgiveness and another chance are sometimes possible. This was the case for me. It took a long time, but eventually, I was able to separate the man who had sacrificed for our family from the man who made one bad decision. Some people are never able to do this, and that's perfectly normal too. But, it's just as normal (and as healthy) to be able to separate the two.
Some Things That May Help You Feel Better About Still Loving Him: After a while, I decided that although I did still love my husband, there were things that I needed to move forward while maintaining my self respect. I needed to know that my husband was willing to do the work necessary to ensure that this would never happen to me again. I needed for him to be truly remorseful and to check in frequently. I needed for him to have no secrets from me, no matter how small. And, I needed for him to support me while I did some individual work on myself.
He was glad to do these things and his willingness indicated to me that he was trustworthy, sorry, and that the marriage that was worth fighting for.
This decision is very individual and there is no right or wrong answer. But, if you still love your husband after an affair, that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. It just means that you were able to separate the person from the act and that you've chosen your marital history over one bad decision.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Katie_Lersch
Three strategies that will help you move on after coming out of a toxic relationship
Successful relationships are always based on mutual love and respect. Toxic relationships are harmful and give little pleasure, and they are more difficult to get out of than they are to get into. Your partner is always running you down, so you feel run down. Your partner has always controlled everything and you get used to this and accept it.
Then one day something happens and you suddenly realise that this is not what you merit for the rest of your life. Not everything is wrong but there is enough there of the bad to make you realise that you should really move on. But how can you get out of it?
These are "Three strategies that will help you move on after coming out of a toxic relationship" that will help you have a clean conscience while you work on your decision to leave.
1 Remember the times you enjoyed yourself and the reasons why you decided you wanted out. Write down a list of all the good and the bad things concerning your relationship and keep it at hand. Then every time you think of speaking to you ex or trying to get together again, you can see the reasons that made you decide to end everything. There would certainly have been moments of pleasure or you would have got out sooner, but in the end you must consider what is right for you.
2 Get out and meet new people and see the family and friends who you stopped meeting because your ex did not like them, and perhaps get some counselling if you think it could help you. Those who appreciate you will likely help you as they no doubt did not appreciate how your ex behaved towards you.. Make the most of this time to see new things and follow activities you liked and have not been able to pursue when you were with your ex. 3 Start doing some serious thinking about yourself and above all don't rush immediately off into a new affair; take your time. You must understand how you were drawn into your previous relationship with its unhealthy characteristics to avoid falling into a similar situation again. When you feel ready start dating other people but take your time.
T 'Dub' Jackson has written a no nonsense, simple, easy to read guide called "The Magic of Making Up". He has been able to help many thousands of people throughout the world , in your and other similar situations. I recommend you to read it. .
Joe Bisley
For further information click here http://joebisley.blogspot.com
Then one day something happens and you suddenly realise that this is not what you merit for the rest of your life. Not everything is wrong but there is enough there of the bad to make you realise that you should really move on. But how can you get out of it?
These are "Three strategies that will help you move on after coming out of a toxic relationship" that will help you have a clean conscience while you work on your decision to leave.
1 Remember the times you enjoyed yourself and the reasons why you decided you wanted out. Write down a list of all the good and the bad things concerning your relationship and keep it at hand. Then every time you think of speaking to you ex or trying to get together again, you can see the reasons that made you decide to end everything. There would certainly have been moments of pleasure or you would have got out sooner, but in the end you must consider what is right for you.
2 Get out and meet new people and see the family and friends who you stopped meeting because your ex did not like them, and perhaps get some counselling if you think it could help you. Those who appreciate you will likely help you as they no doubt did not appreciate how your ex behaved towards you.. Make the most of this time to see new things and follow activities you liked and have not been able to pursue when you were with your ex. 3 Start doing some serious thinking about yourself and above all don't rush immediately off into a new affair; take your time. You must understand how you were drawn into your previous relationship with its unhealthy characteristics to avoid falling into a similar situation again. When you feel ready start dating other people but take your time.
T 'Dub' Jackson has written a no nonsense, simple, easy to read guide called "The Magic of Making Up". He has been able to help many thousands of people throughout the world , in your and other similar situations. I recommend you to read it. .
Joe Bisley
For further information click here http://joebisley.blogspot.com
Win Your Ex Boyfriend Back With Dignity
When you try to win ex boyfriend back you may feel like you need to go begging on your hands and knees. You may feel that you have to lower yourself and lose every bit of pride that you have. The breakup may have gone a long way towards hurting your pride as it is, there is no need to further hurt your self image. There is no reason that you shouldn't be able to win ex boyfriend back and retain some dignity.
You may feel that you need to go begging back to him but there are things that you can do that won't make that necessary. If you got dumped that was enough to hurt the way you look at yourself. If you broke up with him then, realizing you made a huge mistake, you may feel that you have to go crawling back to ask for forgiveness. That may not be what you need to do to win ex boyfriend back.
If he broke up with you, think about what it was that drew him to you in the first place. What was the attitude you had then? How was your spirit? If you want to rekindle that love that was once there, try putting all the elements back that caused the fire in the first place. Whatever you do, let yourself be visible to him. Let him see that you are still the same person that he fell in love with once. Let him also know that you know he sees you. Be obvious that you are that person again. If he doesn't notice you, someone else just might and that might not be a bad thing. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If there is another horse there, they may be more appreciative of what you have to offer.
If you broke up with him, and you believe that it was a mistake, let him know. Let him know that he has every right to be mad but tell him that you don't expect to have him come back. Tell him, "Whatever happens from this point is OK with me. I just wanted to let you know that I made a big mistake with you and I'm sorry if I hurt you." Ask for forgiveness, but don't beg for it. Begging is not a good way to win ex boyfriend back.
Also, don't ask to be reunited. You should let him know that you don't expect a second chance and you probably don't deserve one but you really wish that things had worked out differently. Say your piece and then walk away. If he is interested in getting back together with you or is curious about what you are trying to do then let him make the move. It takes strength and character to admit a mistake and an equal amount of it to take the consequences. If he is as special as you believe him to be, he will notice what you have just done and will want to be your boyfriend once again.
Unless you have some amazing love spells, you may find it a huge challenge to win ex boyfriend back. If he is the one and the result is supposed to be marriage or a life long relationship then it will happen. The trick is to get him involved and make it seem like he is pursuing you. Make him want you, again. As hard as it is to do and as humiliated as you could feel, just know that there is a way to win ex boyfriend back and have some dignity doing it.
About the Author
Kolawole is the publisher of Niche Newsletter! a compilation of well researched articles. For more articles on saving your relationships, check out Kolawole's blog!
You may feel that you need to go begging back to him but there are things that you can do that won't make that necessary. If you got dumped that was enough to hurt the way you look at yourself. If you broke up with him then, realizing you made a huge mistake, you may feel that you have to go crawling back to ask for forgiveness. That may not be what you need to do to win ex boyfriend back.
If he broke up with you, think about what it was that drew him to you in the first place. What was the attitude you had then? How was your spirit? If you want to rekindle that love that was once there, try putting all the elements back that caused the fire in the first place. Whatever you do, let yourself be visible to him. Let him see that you are still the same person that he fell in love with once. Let him also know that you know he sees you. Be obvious that you are that person again. If he doesn't notice you, someone else just might and that might not be a bad thing. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If there is another horse there, they may be more appreciative of what you have to offer.
If you broke up with him, and you believe that it was a mistake, let him know. Let him know that he has every right to be mad but tell him that you don't expect to have him come back. Tell him, "Whatever happens from this point is OK with me. I just wanted to let you know that I made a big mistake with you and I'm sorry if I hurt you." Ask for forgiveness, but don't beg for it. Begging is not a good way to win ex boyfriend back.
Also, don't ask to be reunited. You should let him know that you don't expect a second chance and you probably don't deserve one but you really wish that things had worked out differently. Say your piece and then walk away. If he is interested in getting back together with you or is curious about what you are trying to do then let him make the move. It takes strength and character to admit a mistake and an equal amount of it to take the consequences. If he is as special as you believe him to be, he will notice what you have just done and will want to be your boyfriend once again.
Unless you have some amazing love spells, you may find it a huge challenge to win ex boyfriend back. If he is the one and the result is supposed to be marriage or a life long relationship then it will happen. The trick is to get him involved and make it seem like he is pursuing you. Make him want you, again. As hard as it is to do and as humiliated as you could feel, just know that there is a way to win ex boyfriend back and have some dignity doing it.
About the Author
Kolawole is the publisher of Niche Newsletter! a compilation of well researched articles. For more articles on saving your relationships, check out Kolawole's blog!
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